Monday, January 28, 2008

Baby don't hurt me...

Once upon a time, God used to look down from his throne and decide someone needed to know something. So He'd send down a flapping dove, or a giant cloud or some flaming foliage or maybe just His own big booming voice to let His little homie down on earth know what He wanted to be going on.

Seems like the Good Lord's on permanent vacation. Having just finished reading the Golden Compass books, I'm beginning to wonder if God is even still alive, but that's another blog entry entirely. This one's all about love.

See, since the Almighty Whatever has quit sending out bulletined memos of His great plan for us all individually, we kindof have to wing it, taking hints from the Universe as they get dropped in our paths. Once I almost bought a house, but as I was about to hit the road for the closing deal, a huge snowstorm rolled in. During that snowstorm, I rethought the whole purchase and probably saved myself a lot of headache by reasoning my way out of it. So maybe we don't get typed reports, but maybe the Universe is trying to make up for things by giving us a little nudge here and there when we need it most.

The Universe has been nudging me pretty seriously lately. The Universe says I'm supposed to find out what my ideas about love are, and why I'm so reluctant to get into it. So I ask myself, why Miss Ginna Funk Dub are you so reluctant to love? Perhaps, I answer, it's because I don't know what I expect from Love. This would have to be because I don't know what I want from it. Why on earth wouldn't I know what I want from love? Then that must be because I don't know what it feels like to be loved - either I've forgotten it... or I never really had it. This of course makes me think about my mother again... but I can only blame her for so many of my life's problems. I have to step up now and again. So I'm reluctant to love because I don't know what I want from it because I don't know what it is. Pshew. That took a heck of an afternoon to figure out, by the way!

Perhaps I have known love, but I hold on to the negative experiences more and they wash out the happy ones. All I can think about, when reflecting on love, is my mother - with her heart always just outside my arm's reach. I think about this last poor soul I tried to date, who failed me so completely - ignored the delicious decadent love I daily cooked up and came home with Taco Bell. Okay maybe that's a weird metaphor, but let's discuss what's really weird here. What's really weird is that "I comes before E; except after C... or when they spell 'Ay' like in neighbor and weigh." And yeah also except in the word weird, which is weird.

And then I think about the one time I really honestly truly believe I might have been honestly in actual love and being genuinely loved back... and how I decided I couldn't stand to be that happy and got myself out of it. What on earth did I do that for? Because legality and papers scared me away? What a pathetic answer. There has to be more to it - more meditation needs to be scheduled.

Also this tarot reading a dear beloved friend has given me, which is encouraging me to ask myself these questions and more, warns of an unwanted pregnancy. Universe, you'd better not get too weird on me now! I can only handle so much!

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